Random Reflections

Here I sit 8 months after “everything” was revealed. Literally. Everything. Wow. I think that was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. No one ever wants to face that. Yet I had to. I didn’t have a choice. I sit now reflecting on the past 8 months. I remember how I saw things back then when I was “in the middle of things”. Someday, I will detail that for you. Some thoughts I’ve written in my hand journal. Other thoughts I have in 40 different blogs that I started, but never finished. I wish I was kidding. Now, though, I look back at where we were then. I look at what God has done in my life, and in my husbands. I look at where I feared we’d be, where I hoped we’d be, and where we actually are. I can say with certainty that God has been here with me the entire time. I wouldn’t be sitting here today writing for you if it weren’t for Him. I know now that I went through a period of depression. I appeared to many to be doing fine when on the inside I was falling apart. I’m told that’s a gift I have. I grew up repressing my feelings to keep those around me happy. I guess it would only make sense that I’d come to do that at some point in my marriage too; regardless of the reason. I remember right after. The anger. YOUR anger. I was so resentful. I didn’t understand how you could be angry when I was the one who had been hurt. I didn’t feel like YOU had the right to be angry. Then, to have you tell me on top of it that I needed to support you in your recovery. That you were an addict. Me? My thoughts? My feelings? MY anger? They were nothing. They didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. YOU and YOUR recovery was what mattered. My healing? I guess everyone just thought it could wait for another day. Again. I can look back now and see that what happened after is a large part of what threw me into my depression. Yes. I was depressed. I’ve not yet said that to anyone but my husband. I only realized it for myself about a month ago when I started coming out of it. For my first time back in months, I’ll leave you here. I know this was kind of random, but it’s me. Here. Now. Thanks for indulging me.