Counseling

So we're in counseling now.

Hopefully, this will go better than last time.

You know, the time several years ago where I forced you to go to counseling...as you threw a fit and fought going every single time? 

Every. Single. Time.

Remember that?

You know, the year where we went to counseling while you lied to the counselor and me. Where you told me, the counselor, AND your "accountability" partner that things were hunkey-dorey and you were free for a week, 2 weeks, a month, 3 months...and lied?

You know...the time where you were still looking at porn nearly every day...and lying to me saying you had stopped?

Trust.

Yeah.

Guess I'm still dealing with trust issues.

I Hate....

I hate what you've done to me and who I've become because of you.

You can't just run out to "wherever the hell you want" everytime you're upset about something I've said. You can't demand that I "speak a certain way with a certain tone of voice and a certain look upon my face"...and if I don't then you'll leave.

Here's how it goes: If you leave and refuse to tell me where you're going then I will assume that you're cheating on me again. You really want that thought in my head? You really think that will be good for our marriage? Is it right for me to feel that way? I don't really care (to use your words), it IS the way I feel. There is nothing you can do to change HOW I FEEL!

Good Lord. I so need to post a letter I wrote to you 3 1/2 years ago. It's unbelievable to me that I was feeling that way too. What's more unbelievable is that you got worse...incredibly worse. Lord help me.