Two Years Later

Here we are.  Two years later.  (Well...two weeks shy of two years over...but close enough.)  The point is, we're still here.  Together.  It hasn't been easy.  In fact, there have been times when I really, really wanted to throw in the towel.  There were times when I wondered if it would ever get better.

I think at first, a part of me stayed because I didn't think I deserved better.  Then, I realized I DO deserve better...and began to expect HIM to be that "better".  Then, I had to step back and evaluate who was really in control.  Who really deserved what.  What I actually deserve, what he actually deserves...is the pit of hell.  We're both sinners.  We're both saved by grace.  How could I be so presumptuous to think that I deserved perfection when I couldn't give that myself?

This has been an incredible learning experience.  Growing. Slowly.  One day at a time.  I can pin point for you when certain things got better.  The porn.  The anger.  I can pinpoint where the angry times didn't happen as often; but were much worse when they did happen.  I still feel like that now sometimes.  It doesn't happen as often, but when it does...it's much worse than it had been before.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about physically abusive anger. Not at all.  I'm just talking about the anger of pride and self-righteousness; which has come from both of us.  I think a HUGE reason that the problems now seem so much more magnified is because I'm NOT just laying down and taking it; so to speak.  I'm not shutting up after awhile just to get the fight gone.  I'm pushing through; trying to make it to the end of the fight...with both of us...all of us...still in one piece.

To say that this has been hard is an understatement.  From what I've seen and heard, I don't doubt that it would have been MUCH easier to throw in the towel; to give up the fight. 

Much easier. 

I was never one to take the easier road, though.  Ever.  I've always been the one to take on the challenge; knowing that things can be much better on the other end if we can get there.

We're still trying; fighting...to get to the other end.  Fighting like mad.  (And sometimes feeling like we've all gone mad.)  And I still feel like it's worth it.  And still battling my fear that he doesn't.

Fear.  Yeah.  That's a huge one for me.  A huge horse...for another post.  I think that's my biggest personal battle right now.  Dealing with my fear...my fear of what could be...if... 

I don't like "what-ifs". 

I don't like unknowns. 

I like to know.  I like to feel like I at least have the illusion of control.  Which is why something like this is so hard for a person like me.  You lose all illusions.  There's no question that you're no longer in control.  Which I'm sure is a good thing...but is really hard for someone like me.