Control

Such a small word.  With such great power.

And anger. 

What people will do to themselves...and to the ones they say they love...for control.

All in the name of being in control.

The irony is that when you come to that place...the place where you have to fight and be mean to get "control"...is the point at which you have lost it most. 

And even if you DO get it, you're only getting symbolic control.  You're not getting respect or trust with that ill-gotten control.  There's no pride in having control that was feebly handed to you in fear.  You've just got control.  And fear.

Like Hitler.

You're a dictator who has control only because people were afraid to not give it to you.  They were afraid to not submit.  They are resentful of your demand for "control".

And that's not real control.  It's the illusion of control.

There's no respect in that control.  No trust.  Only fear.

Why fight so hard for that?

But...

This is so hard.

It's a cycle.  The pain.  The hurt.  The verbal abuse.

It continues.

Then there's an apology.  And I forgive.  We move on.

Like it never happened.

Except it did.  Again.  And again.  And again.

When is enough, enough?  Will it ever be?

I want to do what's right.  I want to honor the vows I made. 

I still love him.

But...

There's a "but".

And that scares me.