Pride

 A friend recently lovingly chastised me, "Take a fucking compliment!" I told him, quite simply, "Look. I told you I was broken AF. I have issues." 

While that's true. He's right. I should be able to take a simple compliment. I should have pride in what I have done. 

And I do. 

I AM proud that I have worked my butt off while in the middle of brain fog with COVID, working, and moving my son to NYC and still managed to pull off an A in my class. I am extremely proud of that. So why can't I just say THANK YOU and accept that compliment? Why is that so hard for me to do? It should not be. 

Yet in the midst of everything I've done, that just seems like doing what I need to do. What I have to do. What I must in order to finally get to the part of my life where I can survive on my own. For me? That's not a point of pride. That's what I MUST do. And I cannot let myself settle in the good things like ONE A until I have finished. 

Because I'm scared that I won't. 

That's it. That's what this is all about. 

It's fear. 

So much has slowed me down or stopped me up until now and even made what I have done this far difficult...that I'm terrified I won't be able to finish. 

I'm scared of what tomorrow holds that I can't yet see. 

I still can't be at peace. 

And I hate that. 

But he is right. I should be proud that DESPITE everything? I DID this. 

And you know what? While doing it? I started exercising again after I recovered from COVID and I have made an effort to place my sleep as a priority...which is something I tend to neglect first. I should be proud of ALL of these things. 

I should give myself credit. 

It is OKAY to give myself credit. It's okay to be proud of myself. 

Right?

I'm so broken. *sigh*