Another New, Old Post

Confused? Don't be. I'm not crazy. I'm just trying to put my heart, my life for the past year back together. In the middle of it, I wrote. I wrote from the depths of my heart. From the depths of pain. It was so hard to feel that way, and often even harder to see it in writing. I wrote this random collection of thoughts back in September. Some would call it a poem. I call it my heart.

Broken

Music speaks to me. It is a part of me. I don't know how to explain it. It's hard to. Different things speak to different people. Music has always spoken to me. God has used it to speak to me. He's used lyrics to let me know I'm not alone. He's given me lyrics to express my heart. He's helped me create music, and he's given me music. Music that makes me smile. Music that I cry with. Music that I have shared with my children.

If I'm happy, I want to listen to music. Sad? Music. Angry? Music. Tired? Music. Music even helps a migraine; often when nothing else will.

I have always been this way.

You'll hear me singing in the shower. In the car. In the grocery store. To my kids. With my kids.

It's in my heart.

Throughout this process, many songs have helped me or spoken to me. I'd like to share some of those songs with you.

"Broken" by Lifehouse is one of my favorites. Often, the words touch me and I don't think much of the video. With this song, however, the video spoke to me as much as the music.

If you don't get what I "got" in the video, I'd be happy to share it with you. I have a feeling, though, that many of you who listen and watch until the end will understand why I like the song and the video.

The words?  Wow. Just listen.

As if the title didn't say enough.

Another New, Old Post

As I previously explained, I'm releasing posts that I wrote some time ago but never posted. Given the nature of this blog, I am posting them as of the day I orginally wrote them. Way back when (September 19, 2008), I wrote one on timing.

Looking Back...is Hard

It's very hard, even now, to go back and read some of my words.

Very hard.

Like reliving the pain.

At the same time, though, it's also healing. It helps me see where we were...and where we are now.

I see where we have gone furthur than I expected...and where the pain is still there and very real...even today.

In some ways, we've come so far. In others, I feel like we took one step forward, and 20 back.

What's important, is that we're still going. Together.

I like to think that it's progress to realize that you don't know the end. Even the end of your marriage.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that marriage is for life. What I now know, though, is that life happens. Things happen. Sin happens. And that can change everything.

In an instant.

New, Old Post

Make sense? Clear as mud?

Thought so.

Let me explain.

I have mentioned in the past about how I have numerous posts from the past that I started, but never posted. I thought I had to explain them, or finish them up all neat & pretty. I thought many of them were too angry.

I now know that I should just post them. I should just let my heart, raw & all, out. So I am.

It may not be easier now, but I hope it will be in the future. I have decided to back post them to the time when I originally wrote them so the timeline is clear for anyone who may currently be going through this for the first time.

I will, however, post a link to the "old" post which is new to you on a new post so you can go back & reference it. You'll be able to see my heart as I have gone through this process. I can't say enjoy because...well...if you're going through this...I know...there's nothing enjoyable about it.

Here is the "new"..."old"...post.

Random Reflections

Here I sit 8 months after “everything” was revealed. Literally. Everything. Wow. I think that was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. No one ever wants to face that. Yet I had to. I didn’t have a choice. I sit now reflecting on the past 8 months. I remember how I saw things back then when I was “in the middle of things”. Someday, I will detail that for you. Some thoughts I’ve written in my hand journal. Other thoughts I have in 40 different blogs that I started, but never finished. I wish I was kidding. Now, though, I look back at where we were then. I look at what God has done in my life, and in my husbands. I look at where I feared we’d be, where I hoped we’d be, and where we actually are. I can say with certainty that God has been here with me the entire time. I wouldn’t be sitting here today writing for you if it weren’t for Him. I know now that I went through a period of depression. I appeared to many to be doing fine when on the inside I was falling apart. I’m told that’s a gift I have. I grew up repressing my feelings to keep those around me happy. I guess it would only make sense that I’d come to do that at some point in my marriage too; regardless of the reason. I remember right after. The anger. YOUR anger. I was so resentful. I didn’t understand how you could be angry when I was the one who had been hurt. I didn’t feel like YOU had the right to be angry. Then, to have you tell me on top of it that I needed to support you in your recovery. That you were an addict. Me? My thoughts? My feelings? MY anger? They were nothing. They didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. YOU and YOUR recovery was what mattered. My healing? I guess everyone just thought it could wait for another day. Again. I can look back now and see that what happened after is a large part of what threw me into my depression. Yes. I was depressed. I’ve not yet said that to anyone but my husband. I only realized it for myself about a month ago when I started coming out of it. For my first time back in months, I’ll leave you here. I know this was kind of random, but it’s me. Here. Now. Thanks for indulging me.