Friday
Timing
Timing is, apparently, everything.
Sometimes it's waiting for the right time to tell someone something.
Sometimes it's waiting for the right time to ask them a question.
Sometimes, it's waiting for the right time...for them.
That is the hardest.
Because you don't want to wait for the "right" time. You don't want to wait for them.
You need what you need now. And don't understand why you should have to wait.
I'm not talking about being selfish, either. I'm talking about having to wait for YOUR healing so THEIRS can take place first.
I don't understand that. It doesn't make sense to me. I know you're broken. I know you have an issue. What I don't undersand is why it doesn't also matter that I am broken.
I don't know if I'll ever understand that. I need help, too! I need to know I'm not alone. I need to know that someone is hearing me scream!!!
You drop a bomb on me and all I get is that you have to fix yourself and I have to be patient and wait for the right time to get help for me? And in the meantime, we have to deal with your wrath and anger as a side-effect of your withdrawel from this addiction?
TELL ME HOW THAT IS FAIR!!!!! I know. I know. Life isn't fair. Here's a news flash: I really don't care about what is and isn't fair.
I just want help! I want it to be okay for me to talk to someone! I want it to be okay for me to scream, cry, be angry at YOU (instead of you angry at ME...always).
YOU HURT ME!!! YOU WERE A SELFISH BASTARD!!! I cry myself to sleep at night because of YOU. I fight to hide my tears from my kids because of YOU! I'm afraid to go out and look anyone in the face for fear that I'll break down because of YOU!
Yet I have to wait? I have to get my help at the right time, under the right conditions, and only with your permission and approval?
@@!#J(&&(S&*%$@#!!!!! And that's about all I have to say about that! 'Cause, you know, heaven forbid I step outside of MY boundaries. Oh. No. Wait. I forgot. I'm the one that stayed in them...AARGH!!!
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3 comments:
I agree wholeheartedly with these thoughts in particular:
"YOU HURT ME!!! YOU WERE A SELFISH BASTARD!!! I cry myself to sleep at night because of YOU. I fight to hide my tears from my kids because of YOU!
@@!#J(&&(S&*%$@#!!!!! And that's about all I have to say about that! 'Cause, you know, heaven forbid I step outside of MY boundaries. Oh. No. Wait. I forgot. I'm the one that stayed in them...AARGH!!!"
*I'm yelling this along with you!!!*
Though I didn't have to wait to get my help, he made me wait years & years to finally tell me the truth. Before we married, I knew of the "porn problem" - but was naive to how bad it could really be. He knew what I didn't know. And he chose to make me wait... and drag out the pain of disclosure little bits at a time. OUch. And now, no trust remains. But apparantly we (women) are supposed to be okay with it all. Hmm... (I'm not yet out of my bitterness. working on it, but not out yet)
stumbled upon your blog off of your reply on MckMama's blogfrog community..i am going through all the same things with my marriage. Sometimes I feel like this is all just a bunch of crap. my blog is http://prayersforrestoration.blogspot.com/
I too stumbled upon your blog from Mck's BF. All I can say is wow, I am so relieved that I am not the only one who feels this way, who is going through this. I started at the begining of the blog and have read up to this post, I never intended to comment but it is like you are inside my head writting what I have been thinking for months, years. I thank you for writting this blog, for shareing your story, Lord knows I am too ashamed of what is going on in my life to speak to others about it. i will be reading more often - after I finish catching up tonight:)
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