Resentment

I'm resentful. Have I told you that? No. Of course not. Can't say anything that might make you mad. Can't rock the boat. We wouldn't want that.

Here's the news flash: I am incredibly resentful of you.

I'm resentful that you can say whatever you want, whenever you want in whatever manner you wish and I have to shut up and keep you happy.

I'm resentful that after you repeatedly cheated on me in various ways that I have to shut up and "take the pain" so YOU can get your healing! What the crap is that?

I'm resentful that YOUR healing and YOUR recovery and YOUR needs are STILL all that matter here. When do I come in here? WHEN!

I'm resentful that you get mad at ME for asking if you have called to find support yet. How DARE YOU get mad at ME for anything related to this!!! Still, know, that I will NOT make that call for you. If I don't mean enough...if our marriage doesn't mean enough for you to pick up a...(edit bad word) phone, then just leave. Please.

I'm resentful that you are going to get the healing you need...whether you stay with me or not...but that me and my feelings can be damned. They are damned. They're nothing. Not to you. I don't matter. You've made THAT abundantly clear!

I'm resentful that no one will ever know where I am. No one will ever know the pain I carry. No one will know that I cry myself to sleep at night. No one will know the secret shame I carry. No one will know...but me.

You won't even know.

I'm resentful that when the man gets help he's the "good guy". He's a hero. He's a standup Christian. When I try to get help, or talk to someone...I'm just overstressed. I just need a nap. I need to take a hot bath. I need to not air my husband's dirty laundry.

You know what?

I've lived with, cleaned, and hidden that dirty laundry for over 11 years. I have the RIGHT to air it for my own sanity!

I am resentful that this is all about you; when my heart is the one that was broken.