Resentment

I'm resentful. Have I told you that? No. Of course not. Can't say anything that might make you mad. Can't rock the boat. We wouldn't want that.

Here's the news flash: I am incredibly resentful of you.

I'm resentful that you can say whatever you want, whenever you want in whatever manner you wish and I have to shut up and keep you happy.

I'm resentful that after you repeatedly cheated on me in various ways that I have to shut up and "take the pain" so YOU can get your healing! What the crap is that?

I'm resentful that YOUR healing and YOUR recovery and YOUR needs are STILL all that matter here. When do I come in here? WHEN!

I'm resentful that you get mad at ME for asking if you have called to find support yet. How DARE YOU get mad at ME for anything related to this!!! Still, know, that I will NOT make that call for you. If I don't mean enough...if our marriage doesn't mean enough for you to pick up a...(edit bad word) phone, then just leave. Please.

I'm resentful that you are going to get the healing you need...whether you stay with me or not...but that me and my feelings can be damned. They are damned. They're nothing. Not to you. I don't matter. You've made THAT abundantly clear!

I'm resentful that no one will ever know where I am. No one will ever know the pain I carry. No one will know that I cry myself to sleep at night. No one will know the secret shame I carry. No one will know...but me.

You won't even know.

I'm resentful that when the man gets help he's the "good guy". He's a hero. He's a standup Christian. When I try to get help, or talk to someone...I'm just overstressed. I just need a nap. I need to take a hot bath. I need to not air my husband's dirty laundry.

You know what?

I've lived with, cleaned, and hidden that dirty laundry for over 11 years. I have the RIGHT to air it for my own sanity!

I am resentful that this is all about you; when my heart is the one that was broken.

Timing

Timing is, apparently, everything. Sometimes it's waiting for the right time to tell someone something. Sometimes it's waiting for the right time to ask them a question. Sometimes, it's waiting for the right time...for them. That is the hardest. Because you don't want to wait for the "right" time. You don't want to wait for them. You need what you need now. And don't understand why you should have to wait. I'm not talking about being selfish, either. I'm talking about having to wait for YOUR healing so THEIRS can take place first. I don't understand that. It doesn't make sense to me. I know you're broken. I know you have an issue. What I don't undersand is why it doesn't also matter that I am broken. I don't know if I'll ever understand that. I need help, too! I need to know I'm not alone. I need to know that someone is hearing me scream!!! You drop a bomb on me and all I get is that you have to fix yourself and I have to be patient and wait for the right time to get help for me? And in the meantime, we have to deal with your wrath and anger as a side-effect of your withdrawel from this addiction? TELL ME HOW THAT IS FAIR!!!!! I know. I know. Life isn't fair. Here's a news flash: I really don't care about what is and isn't fair. I just want help! I want it to be okay for me to talk to someone! I want it to be okay for me to scream, cry, be angry at YOU (instead of you angry at ME...always). YOU HURT ME!!! YOU WERE A SELFISH BASTARD!!! I cry myself to sleep at night because of YOU. I fight to hide my tears from my kids because of YOU! I'm afraid to go out and look anyone in the face for fear that I'll break down because of YOU! Yet I have to wait? I have to get my help at the right time, under the right conditions, and only with your permission and approval? @@!#J(&&(S&*%$@#!!!!! And that's about all I have to say about that! 'Cause, you know, heaven forbid I step outside of MY boundaries. Oh. No. Wait. I forgot. I'm the one that stayed in them...AARGH!!!

Restoration

Webster's defines restoration as, "The act of restoring or bringing back to a former place, station, or condition." "Renew" is defined, "To become new or as new." When one typically talks about putting a marriage back together, they talk about "restoration" or "restoring" the marriage. That would assume that the goal is to take the marriage back to where it was before it was broken. That also assumes, of course, that the marriage was whole to begin with. That assumes that there was a point in time during which the marriage was not broken. What if that is not the case? What if there isn't a "before" to which to restore the marriage? Don't get me wrong. That doesn't imply that there weren't good times, but what if the root cause of what BROKE the marriage has always been there? Then what do you do? Then, to what do you "restore" the marriage? Does that mean one just gives up? It has always been broken and therefore can never be fixed? No. Philippians 1:6 says, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..." I don't believe that he would leave two believers who were joined in marriage "hanging". I believe that with hope those two believers (if they are in agreement) can bring their marriage to a far better place than restoration. Why restore when you can make new? Revelation 21:5 says, "...Behold I make all things new..." I don't want restoration for our marriage. I want it to be made new. I don't want our marriage to be as good as it was before. I want it to be better than it has ever been. I don't want restoration. I want renewal.

When?

When will this feel better? When will the pain go away? When will I feel normal again? When can I start a new day? I just want this to be over. I wish it had never begun. When can I live again? When can we move forward? When will the trust come back? When will I have His peace? I'm angry with you. I hate that you did this to us. When will you see my pain? When will your heart be with mine? When will we be "us" again? When will I not wonder if that's a dream? I need God's grace and mercy, I need Him to function each day. You seem to be just fine, I don't understand how you're okay. I ramble when I write, Thoughts are crazy in my head. I just want to know these answers. I just want to know when this will end.

I want to believe you

I really want to believe you. I really want to know that what you're saying is the truth. I really want to know that when you say you have told me everything; you really have told me everything. With all my heart I want to believe that you have completely turned your life around and are now 100% with me in our marriage...with JUST you and me.

The problem?

I still feel like there is something you are keeping from me. I'm not sure if it's fear or if you really are keeping something from me. It doesn't matter. You've given me every e-mail and password that you could remember. If you don't want me to know what you're doing, you'll just create another. There are some things I've seen that seem suspicious.

Still, I have to make a decision.

I have to decide whether I'm going to keep doubting and wondering and fearing...or whether I'm going to make the decision to trust you. Like it or not, that's what I have to do. Whether or not I feel ready to trust, I must attempt to trust. In order for us to move forward, I have to trust. This is so hard.

Please tell me you're being honest with me this time. I don't want to be hurt again.

Please.

Don't hurt me again.

-Me (Still your wife and still by your side)

It's not my fault!

Why is it that when a man cheats on a woman so many people accuse the woman of somehow being at fault? It is possible for a man to have had an incredible sex life with his wife (who isn't overweight) and have found in his wife someone he could trust, talk to, and rely on emotionally. It is possible for a man to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table (that actually tastes good). It is possible for a man to have clean clothes, clean kids, a clean car, and a wife that doesn't overspend. It is possible for a man to come home to a wife and children who love him and express that love daily. It is possible for a man to have ALL these things and STILL cheat on his wife!!!! Why? Because it is NOT the wife's fault! It's not something she has done that has somehow caused the man to cheat! If a man has cheated, it is because he has made a decision to do so, irrespective of what his home life is like. Yet people still try to blame the woman! I don't understand this. They don't do this to other addicts. You don't find someone saying to the wife of an alcoholic, "Well, honey, if you just weren't so overweight then maybe he wouldn't have had to go drinking every night." They don't say to a drug addict's spouse, "Well, if you had only provided dinner for him the second he walked in the door every night then he wouldn't have turned to drugs. Did you ever think of that?" And what about husbands who are cheated on? People don't say anything to the husband's of wive's who've cheated. You don't hear someone saying to a man, "Well, you have gained weight since the two of you married. Do you really blame her?" No, that would be preposterous! Why blame the man? What man would give a woman a reason to cheat? That was obviously HER choice, HER decision, and HER bad. So why is it so different when a man cheats on his wife? Why are people so quick to place blame on the wife? Why are they so quick to start pointing out every flaw the wife might have had in their entire marriage as being justification for what the husband has done? Some even do so when the HUSBAND himself is accepting full blame for his actions! This just makes no sense to me! Don't get me wrong here. I am NOT saying that my life is the perfect picture I painted above. Far from it. My point is simply that it doesn't matter how perfect one's life might (or might not) be, that still gives them NO justification for cheating...and doesn't allow the blame to be placed on anyone other than the one who made the decision to cheat. I might be angry at my children, but the decision to yell at them in my anger is MINE...not theirs. The same goes here. The responsibility for the decision to cheat lies with the person who did the cheating...NOT with the person whom they betrayed. To say anything else to a woman who has been betrayed is beyond words. There is no excuse. You are furthur damaging someone who is already going through what is probably one of the worst pains of their life

My Heart

(This is another item I previously wrote. I wrote this on August 7, 2007 and published it privately on my public blog for my husband only. This was my heart. I hoped he would hear it. As I've said before, I would later find out I was wrong. So wrong.) I try tonight to talk But again I've met a rock How do I break through? How do I get to you? You're sleeping beside me I've got no one to hold You're right beside me Yet I'm alone Tears cover my sleep They cradle my head I know they'll be there When all else is dead My world is falling You said you'd be there Right when I need you I can't get you to care These walls are so lonely So empty, alone I need you to see me To call me your own Dreams were once there I want them again I just want us back Can I come in? Tears cover my sleep They cradle my head I know they'll be there When all else is dead

Am I Crazy?

I want my husband to go a step furthur. I don't want him to just apologize to me. Here's the deal. My husband claims that he didn't just lie to me. He says that he lied to the woman he was having a relationship with. Not only did he tell her things about our relationship and me that he had NO BUSINESS telling her, but he flat out LIED to her about parts of our relationship. (Either that or he really does feel that way...which would mean he's still lying to me.) I choose to believe that he's telling me the truth when he says that he lied to her. I have to start trusting somewhere. For my own sanity, it has to be there. Still, he lied to this woman. He led her to believe she was dealing with a man who (while being so incredible) had a woman who was less than so. Not only that, he led her to believe that at least she was dealing with someone who wasn't happy. Granted, that still doesn't justify her having an affair with a married man. Did she see it that way? Does she realize she ALSO had an affair? Or does she just think she had a friendship with a man who happened to be married? I am of the opinion that if a man is married and you are having a relationship as they did then you are having an affair with that man...whether or not you yourself are actually married. He deceived this woman. I believe he needs to apologize to her for doing so (with me there, of course...looking "HOT" no less...sorry...just being totally honest here). Why should he get off thinking he only has to come clean with me? Why should he get to think SHE still thinks he's the perfect guy with all the problems. Why does he still get to think that he has this potential back-up based on the lies he's told? NO! He needs to "come clean" with her. COMPLETELY! He needs to tell her exactly who she was dealing with...so neither one of them is tempted to go back to the other again in the future! I think she also needs to hear (from either me or him), "You had an affair with my husband and I ALSO deserve an apology for that". I have received an apology from my husband and believe I also deserve one from you. I realize I may never get it, but I am asking for it no less. You should know that when you meet with a married man with the intention of having sex with him then you are having AN AFFAIR!!!!! Let's call a spade a spade, please. This is NOT a game. This is NOT fun. This is a MARRIED man...WITH CHILDREN!!!!! These are LIVES!!! REAL PEOPLE!! Plus, I think both of them (my husband and this other woman) feel like they had found "perfection" in each other. Both of them found someone who could be their "everything"...without any real commitment, obligation, responsibility, or accountability. Neither one of them expected anything BUT perfection out of the other...and both knew the relationship would go no where...except to sex...and this "friendship" relationship. How perfect. They could have all that. And their "real" lives with boyfriends, wives, and children on the side. Except that my husband wasn't giving her himself. He was lying. I know that for a FACT in some of what he was saying because it involved me and I was there...so I know the truth. Regarding other stuff he was saying (about his feelings), he may or may not have been lying. I don't know. He tells me he was just trying to make her feel good. I wonder if he was thinking at the time about how his making HER feel good would make ME (his actual wife) feel? Obviously not. Because I certainly do NOT feel good. No matter WHAT he says to me. I have a feeling if HE was lying to her that she was probably doing the same to him. I mean, seriously, WHAT kind of woman has a relationship with a man whom she KNOWS is married...WITH CHILDREN????? I love Jesus so I won't use the words that I'm asking God daily to remove from my head in regards to what I think about this woman. Suffice it say they're not nice...or Godly. I find it incredibly ironic that this woman used to be in ministry at the church which we are currently attending. I hear the terms on which she left the ministry and the church were not pleasant. I wonder who she slept with. I'm sorry. There's one of those unGodly thoughts coming out. So, am I crazy? I wonder how long she has known who I am and looked at me...knowing she was having an affair with my husband. Did she feel any guilt when she saw us? Did she ever think about what she was doing and wonder if it was wrong? Now, I want to hold HER just as accountable as my husband! I want to look her in the face and say YOU HURT ME, TOO! You made a decision that is DESTROYING our family! YOU have contributed to tearing me apart! You need to stay away from men who are married. I know you can't control WHAT men tell you, but when one TELLS YOU THEY ARE MARRIED, you can make the decision to STAY AWAY!!!!! And I want to hear...I'm sorry. I don't know if it will make me feel any better, really. But I still want to hear it. I know this will probably never happen...for SO many more reasons than one. That doesn't mean I don't wish it would. Am I crazy?

Today

(I wrote this on October 7, 2007 and published it privately on my public blog for him only. A part of me hoped that if he read this he would hear my heart and stop. Little did I know the worst was yet to come.) Drowning in tears Covering my head Will I awaken? I'm already dead So tired, alone Can't do this again Heart hurts so bad Can't stop the pain I want better for my girls I don't want my son to be this way How do I stop the cycle? How do I end the pain? I have to stop now Typing...eyes might see.. Can't do...must stop So frustrated...want to scream Want to cry...want to break down Will I make it through the night? I'm being dramatic he'd say My heart is crying...he doesn't hear the pain

Beginnings

I remember when we first met. We were young and in love. Nothing could stop us. We were going to conquer the world. (With no money, no sense, and no clear direction.) But we knew exactly what we were doing. That's the beauty of being young. You don't have to know anything to know everything. If only life could stay that way. It was so much easier then. We would talk for hours on my front porch. We would go to the park in the fall and just walk. There were no worries. We would sit on the couch and he would just hold me. We didn't need words in those moments. It was so pure. So innocent. So perfect. I'd give anything to have those moments back. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade most of what we have today to get them. I know. That makes no sense. But then that's life, isn't it? No sense. Just when you think you have it all figured out, here it comes...and you realize how little you know. We can look back on those times and laugh. We can look back on those times with fondness. Sometimes, I cling to those times as my only glimpse of what might can be again. My only hope. My only dream of a future. How warped that my hope of a future lies in my memories of the past? When your todays are bad, you take what you can get. Sometimes, that means looking toward yesteryear to find your smile. I had my "rules". I would date for at least one year before I'd ever say yes to a marriage proposal. (Broken.) I would be engaged for at least a year before we got married. (Broken.) We would be married for 3-5 years before we started having kids. (Broken.) Instead, we had 3 kids in 5 years of marriage. I would always have a perfect house with perfect kids and I would be perfectly organized. (Broken. Broken. Broken.) And my favorite rule? I would have a fantastic marriage without any problems. (I didn't even go for perfect here!) (Broken!) Figures. That had been the story of my life thus far. I had grown up in a broken home, with broken parents, and a broken life. I should have known it wouldn't all get better when I "grew up". Still, I have hope. I have hope of a future and promise for a better tomorrow. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I hang on to that when I can't look at today.